through being
not believing
through peace
not debate
with compassion
not desire
 
third dimensional truth



where ego feeds
in the past
in the future
always lost

realize but
never resist
accept but
never identify
experience but
never expect

one must wiggle
one must let go
to know your weight
and how it flows

i havent been on zaadz in months...i always think about writing a blog but i feel like i have the worst writers block in history. its due to latest events in my personal life. im losing hope i guess. a few months ago i split up with my boyfriend cuz he was gambling away all the money and besides that its been a really difficult six years with him. i cant count the times we have split up, but i just kept making the same mistake over and over again i let myself get back with him. well i think i actually began to fall out of love with him. i just wanted to be free of him. it was tearing me up inside. he was really degrading, negative, and his temper was scary and explosive. well after he left i just kind of fell apart. it seemed like any friends i had were just fading away and i havent been able to pay for my place or even food since he left. then my really close guy friend, for the past year or two anyway, came to me one evening and told me how he cared about me. he had also just split up with his girl as well. well he started getting involved with me and now he just dosent talk to me. im losing my mind. he is my best and pratically only friend and i am worried i lost him and i dont really know why. i cant afford to pay rent or eat and i cant find a roomate. i guess i just hate that i cant even find inspiration for poetry lately. things just seem so empty and im scared how im gonna survive. ive grown so much in the past few years spritually but now its as though all thats slipping through my fingers. i cant hold onto hope. its gotten outta control...i cant hold the positive feelings and i just keep attracting more suffering. i feel overwhlemed and ashamed. sorry i guess this isnt the kind of blog for such a beautiful site. the first moment my writers block is lifted i will be posting something here. :)

the breaking down
the illusion of moderation
carefully decieving the eye
perception can gather the mind
and create chaos-
so called human condition

in a relative way
believing your survival
is the act of living
though hanging on
in utter desperation
becomes a shallow
version of being

intention is to live
with an open heart
to shape all that is
release my grip...
and ride the wave
till all that
i can see
is the light of love.

catching myself in the act of belief

forgetting the art of self prophecy.
 
i constantly have to redirect myself.

because im constantly wrong.

the incessant chatter of the ego

dictating all in my perception.

still when the moment comes

where i see my reflection

and the blinding arrogance

of assumptions and quick judgements,

without second thought,

i embrace my faith in truth.

inspired to live by my intentions. let go of beliefs and embrace faith. beliefs will cage you within possiblity. have faith in truth, whatever it shall be...

i ask for your patience and i promise every door i close will never be locked.

mind shifting

heart soars

body fading

illusion of physical

now the unraveling

through the production

of faith and perception

light will BEcome

as always

we have been...

truth can be realized
a waking mind
and open heart
inviting clarity

healing the soul

vision through
the minds eye
the souls wisdom
and the hearts dream

seek connection
shift perception
align the soul
with pure emotion

tune your senses
find your groove
within energys cycle
of spirit and light

an exsistence
of energy
of possibility
manifest all
by vibration
and through faith
though cliche
nothing rings as true
as love conquers all

theres obvious beauty but all is beauty so when you begin to open your eyes you can see the light shining through. the intensity can make your head spin. yet theres this habit of self loathing and this act deteriates our destiny everyday. the lack of love surrounding me can sometimes drain the energy from me when im too weak to hold my own.

i believe ive seen the core of my love and i feel like it continues to pull me in when doubts loom in my way. im drawn to the you that fights to illuminate you. this is past our five senses and incorporates the beautiful world timeless and in faith. i feel its right to follow this path and i know i need to bring him here before he will truly understand my love that i grant him in every moment of NOW.

the splintered soul...ive come to see this in me, what it means, and perhaps the merging of me. not just of me but of all. the parts of us, of our soul that have no light and cannot be seen have been wounded in some way. our wounds come from what we know to be our past. though time seems to only be a concept that humanity perhaps created. ive always thought idea of time being nothing more than an illusion to be a challenging truth to swallow. although now im beginning to grasp this truth and everything, yes everything, seems to begin to make a little more sense. the pieces are starting to fall into place and it feels like im already finding my whole self. this would mean that all our incarnations of our selves are all exsisting at once. which makes the idea of "merging the self" or as group, "becoming one" seem more reasonable and possible. i picture my soul above me as well as within me experiencing all my lives by choice. so then with time gone it is all happening NOW. now, as alan watts taught me, is all there ever was, ever is, and ever will be. so it makes perfect and beautiful sense how all my selves can merge and become one. becoming whole seems the right way to put it since that truely means the joining of all my personalities or incarnations and all of lives experiences.

when we try to understand and achieve "wholeness" by connecting with our past, past lives that have "ended" its hard to truly get in touch with. for me it is anyways. when i remove time from lifes equation it then becomes about our future self. we cannot argue our future self exsistence when we understand things such as reincarnation and a timeless world. perhaps that is why the author of "the seat of the soul" uses the term incarnation instead of reincarnation. he believes that all our lives are happening now and reincarnation sounds like something that is happening repeatedly. our incarnations are our lives our soul chooses for us to learn, to heal, to grow, and to unite and they all exsist now. it is always now no matter when now is. finally this is getting clear in my mind. letting go of the concept of time seems to have strengthened my faith in everything. it seems to bring me more into the light.

i have such a strong desire, need, and passion for this truth and for the act of offering this discovery with others. especially the love so close to my heart...a soul so special and so bright that i can sense deep within me. i think of him and feel the clenching in my throat when i am lost in thoughts of him. ive learned a little about the chakhras and i would assume this clenching is my charkhra encouraging me to use my voice and speack whats dying to come out. when u need to communicate something and u ignore it, ive come to be familar with the way the chahkra lets me know. i see how unhealthy it is to hold back and it explains so well why so much has failed. its all mind, concepts, perception...so many of us are mislead.

see time as illusion just seems to sharpen all senses and things seem as though they begin to fall into place. weather im here alone or in the arms of this love can feel much the same. i just open the gates and the blissful feeling kinda floods my reality. the idea that the mind does not know the difference between "imagining" and "doing"is a beautiful and mysterious miracle to me.

spiritual exsistence is all being whole. where we can realize and experience it. wish i knew how to handle anything. its simple really. envision it. create it. bee it. my new roomate dewey who i have known for around nine years is so inspiring and im so glad ive moved in with him  because all of these things i am learning right now....well it just so happens hes always had the knowledge ive faught for. more than once he has quoted  my favorite philosipher, alan watts and he has never heard any of his stuff. amazing. he must have so much to teach me and to show me.

i only have a few moments before i must go to work but i havent been here enough lately and i wanted to express my state of being briefly. i feel like im embarking on this huge breakthrough in the healing of my soul and the journey to becoming whole. theres this book called "the seat of the soul" that ive been reading and it happens to be one of the many catalyst in my newest shift in exsistence and my ever growing and changing perceptions. i urge everyone to please read this book. it literally has painted a vibrant picture of truth, beauty, enlightenment, inner power, and the cycle of life. i love that i have these moments where i feel so in tune with the universe and finally im beginning to truely understand what unity means and what the connection feels like. the monarch butterfly is a returning theme that comes around when i am especially aware of my part of the whole force we call energy, light, the devine, etc. i actually long to spend the morning outside letting myself be pulled into the cycle of nature and find the heightened vibration where i could just sit in peace. i truly feel close to everyone, everything and when i let it wash over me it is breathtaking to say the least. i love these moments where i feel like i can dance freely from stage to stage of exsistence and every stage is miraculous in its own way. i hope to find my way back to this later tonight so i can elaborate more. its just about letting the emotions flow in their natural way and consciously intending to get higher and higher.
sorry i havent been sharing my ideas and my input on all your ideas as much lately. im in quite a crucial time right now and most of all moving into a new place in one week while working everyday is certainly leaving me drained at times. so when the inspiration comes i must never fight it, but always embrace it.

reaching for power from within me...i begin to understand that i may have been searching too close to shore. i am in a struggle with the physical world and the illusion of security ive clung to for so long. i must cease this battle raging inside me....the struggle of conflicting intentions. trying to veer towards the path of light instead of this darkness ive wrapped myself in. what ive felt and what ive known is unraveling and though it may be a struggle, it could be more beautiful than i had once thought beauty could be. i dont know if the love ive felt the past six years has been what i had envisioned it to be, but i do believe if i look past the physical and truly see the spirit within me and within others i will see the true exsistence of life.
i will continue this later ... train of thought is slipping. perhaps sleep in needed.